Domestic abuse affects a lot of women.
As a friend, I have been aware that some of my friends have endured domestic abuse. As teenaged girls and as women. In relationships and when they were single and ‘fair game’.
As a colleague, I’ve seen the bruises, heard the whispered phone calls. Seen the fear and anxiety in their eyes.
As an acquaintance, I’ve seen the tears of women who have suffered unspeakable episodes of violence. Beaten. Spat on. Told they are worthless. Trapped. The things is, I never said anything. We smiled, chit-chatted about our work, the weather, activities. But I just didn’t have the tools to ask. To listen.
Staying silent in the awkwardness of talking
When I was a teenager and young woman, I didn’t know how to have difficult conversations with other girls. They hinted about their experiences of abuse and violence at home; of witnessing their mothers being hit. We just didn’t have the language to talk about it properly. I didn’t know how to bear witness to those kinds of tears. I didn’t think I could help. I stayed silent.
As a woman, I was caught up in my own life, work and family. I saw the flinches, heard the sarcastic comments made by their partners in public. I witnessed the clenched jaw. The tensed body… trying to hold it together. I even heard the tears in their voices whenever I called. This time, I knew what to say. What to ask. I knew how to offer support.
And do you know what? Not one of them took up my offer! They stayed silent.
Domestic abuse or not?
The thing is, it’s easy to know you’re not happy in a relationship. Or that your partner ‘gets angry’. It’s not so easy to speak out and say that what you’re experiencing is domestic abuse. It’s hard to define the low-level violence you’ve experienced as what people mean when they talk about ‘domestic violence’.
Domestic violence doesn’t just involve cuts, bruises, broken bones, being thrown across a room. It’s the type of abuse that makes you feel constantly responsible for someone else’s bad mood. The fear of that immobilising look of warning given across a room. It’s the sulking and silent treatment that drives you to distraction. Having to surrender your phone to scrutiny every night; and being called / texted constantly to check where you are. It’s the squeezing of your hand when no one’s looking that makes your fingers go numb. No scars. No obvious signs that you can say ‘Look what they did!’.
You stay silent. Yet the lasting effects of abuse are rooted. Even if you’ve left the relationship, those memories and feelings can still linger. The psychological effects can be enduring and take on a life of their own.
Silenced by fear and shame – the barriers to getting help
You see, shame is a powerful emotion. Fear of being judged is a noose around delicate necks. Us women. We are so scared of anyone finding out that our lives aren’t ‘perfect’. Scared of opening up to people around us and asking for help. It’s admitting failure. Showing weakness. And above all… it’s fear of making a change.
The minute you tell someone or ask for help, they expect you to do something. To change your situation.
We convince ourselves that ‘it’s not that bad’. I’ve not ended up in A&E. Being fearful doesn’t mean he’ll actually do anything. Who’ll believe she hits me… it’s already hard enough being accepted as a same sex couple. Why complicate things?
Emergency support for women
It’s out there. You know it is. You’ve seen the posters, adverts and know that Refuge is always there to support women and their children.
If you are in a domestic situation where you fear for your life and need to leave. Leave. Get help now. Call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247. It’s staffed by fully trained female helpline support workers and volunteers who can help you.
Empowering women through counselling
The thing is, most women aren’t in immediate fear for their lives.
Those friends, colleagues and acquaintances were definitely in bad situations. They definitely needed help. But they were stuck.
They felt powerless to do something for themselves. They didn’t know who would listen to them. Keep their confidences. Help them work through their feelings. Allow them to grieve the loss of their trust in their relationships. Loss of their sense of self. Someone who would help them to get themselves back. Get their power back.
You can get your power back.
As a counsellor, I have worked with women and girls who have suffered all forms of abuse and violence. Domestic. Emotional. Sexual. Physical. If you need to talk, give me a call. Get your power back.